Wrecking ball! - plus other funnies

I am very sorry for this but after a stressful week I am exhausted and couldn't think of anything to write. However I thought I would share something with you.

I love a good video parody, mostly these are song parodies but not always. I thought I would share with you my five favourite ones at the moment in the hope it gets your weekend off to a good start.

Miley Cyrus, wrecking ball performed on Chat roulette. The reactions on here are brilliant, if you don't laugh at this you are dead inside.

Chris Farley brings the story of Rob Ford, the embattled mayor of Toronto to life.

Christmas is approaching and Santa is coming. Lots actually, judging by this video.

Back when Apple launched the iPhone 5 Mondo Media came up with a brilliant take piss of their product launches and product development.

Finally we must pay a visit to the godfather of parodies, Weird Al Yankovic. To be honest I like everything he has done but "Fat" is epic not only for the words but the dance moves and video as a whole.

Enjoy everyone, I promise something better on Monday. Have a good weekend.

People like Ian Watkins deserve to die

The news around Ian Watkins has been pretty disturbing to say the least. When the story first broke I couldn't read it all. Yesterday there was more twitter chat about it so I decided to have a look, I wish I hadn't.

For the purposes of this blog the highlights are 13 sexual offences (including two attempts at raping a baby) and the possession of and making of child pornography. If you want the details feel free to look but they are disturbing (I was almost sick) and made worse that some of the evidence was too horrific to report on. http://www.nme.com/news/lostprophets/74073

Now he will live out the rest of his life in a comfortable cell, meals, TV, games and protection, all at our expense. Of course he isn't safe in prison and good, I hope his fellow inmates make him suffer unimaginable pain. But life itself is too good for him, Ian Watkins should be executed.

Some will say that in a civilised society you should never participate in capital punishment. Tell me what is civilised in allowing monsters like him to live out a comfortable life, all be it in prison, after what he has done? First to tackle a couple of the key arguments against. Deliberately ignoring morals, if you argue that then read the details and come back to me.

Certainty of guilt

The kicker in any case but when someone will die you have to be sure and mistakes happened in the past but things have changed. Modern science and technology removes doubt in many cases and you can build a fail safe in. One where a judge can only give the death penalty where criteria of "beyond doubt" have been fulfilled.

Suffering

Hanging wouldn't do the trick, too gruesome and I am not suggesting the electric chair either. I would suggest lethal injection. In the US they use three injections, one to put them under, one to immobilise all muscles and then one to stop the heart. Full details

Effectivenes

Would it actually stop any crimes? I don't know, but I do know fear can be a huge factor when people make decisions. Where I do believe it would make a difference is when they approach their plea date. Bargains are common in exchange for guilty pleas and perhaps the fear of death could spare victims and family members the pain of a trial and going over the harrowing details of the crimes committed against them or their loved ones. Obviously only if they plead guilty up front, no deal once past initial plea.

I honestly think when the evidence is so weighty that a bargain should be off the table but the victims are the most important people and without a carrot would someone so evil spare them the pain.

Surely we deserve a sensible debate on this issue.

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Dungeons and Drag Queens

The lefties are a curious bunch. Rabid, violent animals frothing at the mouth one moment then pathetic and needy the next, whatever suits the cause at the time I suppose. One thing the fellow twitter users will know is that dissent will not be tolerated, those of opposing views blocked never to be heard from again.

Perhaps this explains why they are so keen on lefty only versions of things. This is something I never understand, they accuse the right of being heartless and out of touch yet cut off contact from those opposed. Well Laurie Penny came up with a cracker, well, I say came up but it looks like it is in motion.

My side-project: creating a tabletop RPG based on the British Left. It's coming on apace. What's your allegiance and true nature?
— Laurie Penny (@PennyRed) November 25, 2013

That's right, Penny wants to create a lefty RPG (Role Playing Game), well twitter went into a frenzy, but more on that later. The 140 characters twitter allow aren't enough for me to aid Laurie in her project.

Here is my intro to a lefty RPG.

"My name is Nigel, I am a young man of 23, I was born in the land of Chipping Norton, the horrors of my upbringing haunt me still. This place chokes me, you see although I was born into this world with the cursed label of "male" I am in fact, a woman. 

Oppressed for years I am finally ready find myself, I quit my job and pack up for Brighton. Oh the glory that awaits me, freedom to express who I am, I finally feel like the real me, I am Nigella, although I don't look the part yet."

The player picks up the game as our hero arrives at "Legends" bar and hotel. From here your choices will guide them as they make tough life choices. From the big choices on breast size, hair colour and if the cock should stay or go to the ethical debate around leather shoes guide Nigella through them all. 

Choose your sexuality, dodge transphobia attacks and live on benefits. Experience all this and more in "Dungeons and Drag Queens.

As I mentioned earlier twitter took up arms with the #LeftyRPG tag, here are some of the best I found.

Playing Skyrim as a #LeftyRPG is bloody difficult, I've had to turn down nearly every quest as they involve work. Off to the tavern.
— Европейский комиссар (@MoodySlayerUK) November 26, 2013

#leftyrpg The mighty dragon breathes fire at you. You cast "Freeze Energy Prices"... nothing happens... you are still fucked.
— The left are wrong (@T_Veiga) November 26, 2013

#LeftyRPG Voices of Logic & Reason can be heard in the forest - use your block button to silence all dissent.
— Owen Eoins (@OwenEoins84) November 26, 2013

#LeftyRPG Your revolutionary hero Shayga Vara has killed a load of unarmed gay elves. A cognitive dissonance potion lets you ignore it. Meh.
— SirBufton-Cockwomble (@AngryExile) November 26, 2013

You approach the legendary dungeon. Complete a risk assessment before you continue. #leftyrpg
— Olly Neville (@OllyNeville) November 26, 2013

#LeftyRPG the executive council go on a fact finding trip to Mordor, they vote the Dark Lord be named as a “hero of the people”
— Small Thunder Dog (@smallthunderdog) November 26, 2013

Think you can do better? Go ahead. Tweet #LeftyRPG

My thanks to @marcokeeffe for helping me with this blog.

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Piers Morgan, a weapons grade bellend

Sad news broke yesterday morning that Jonathan Trott is coming home from the Ashes tour early with a "stress related condition". This is a rather vague term that covers a variety of conditions, and while comparisons are being made with Marcus Trescothick you can't just bracket them together in one place. 

Most of you will be lucky enough to never have to deal with a mental illness but believe me, it eats you up in a way you can't imagine. I shall leave the details of my own condition out of this but needless to say I know of what I speak. It is hard enough worrying about the reaction of your friends and family but he has the press and others pouring over the details as well. Surely nobody in the media would be so crass and stupid to pour scorn over his decision.

Step forward Piers Morgan. 

'Winners never quit, and quitters never win.' #Ashes #Lombardi
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) November 25, 2013

"Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse, playing cricket is not" - Keith Miller, Australian cricket legend & RAAF pilot, WWII. #Ashes
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) November 25, 2013

'Never, never, never give up.' Winston Churchill. #Ashes
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) November 25, 2013

Vague references but obvious what he means, but he wasn't done.

I've already offered my sympathy and best wishes to Jonathan Trott. But he's no longer part of the team.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) November 25, 2013

Oh that's it then, so if you employed someone (I know it is a sport but it is also his job) who needed time off for depression you would tell them to suck it up and get on with it or find another job? Such stupidity should be expected from him I suppose, he has history in publishing stuff that he shouldn't.

People can forget what's important and in this case cricket isn't, not even remotely. I honestly don't care about the Ashes anymore, all I want is for Trott to recover and have a happy life with his family.

Get well soon Trott, thank you for being such a great player and I hope to see you back when you are ready

I was racking my brain for a way to end this blog but I didn't have to. I shall leave the last words to Matthew Pinsent. However if you feel like telling Piers how much of a twat he is I have created a handy button to do so. Tweet to @piersmorgan

Piers Morgan is being a weapons grade bellend about Trott. I can put up with his KP stuff most of the time but this is poisonous.
— Matthew Pinsent (@matthewcpinsent) November 25, 2013

UPDATE 
The big man himself approves.

@RantyPantz_ you're welcome! enjoyed the rant
— Matthew Pinsent (@matthewcpinsent) November 26, 2013

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"SMEAR" is the new "RACIST!"

Ah yes, good old Labour. When facing tough questions it is far better to shut down the debate than to try and talk about facts. Of course in two very recent cases the facts would be damaging for Ed Miliband, hence the attempt to shut down the debate.

If you have fresh memories of life under Blair and Brown you will probably understand the meaning of the title without explanation. In case you don't here is a brief history lesson. 

During their time in power Labour opened our doors to mass immigration, both non and internal EU. Rather than an even spread through the population they congregated in areas, making locals uncomfortable in many cases.

So you try to raise your concerns as a British citizen and you get hounded by the lefty pack as a racist. Anyone who ever asked a tough question about the impact on local communities by the influx of foreigners was shouted down, “RAAAAAAAACCCCCIIIIISSSSSSTTTTTT!” they would cry.

The result of this lack of debate on such an important issue has been the ghetto style communities of today. Areas of Manchester are deserted on Saturdays because almost all the residents are Jewish. Parts of Birmingham entirely Muslim and smaller places like Aldershot (know as little Nepal) have been affected too. Most worryingly reports of “Sharia zones” being policed by thugs.

Now Labour want to shut down anyone looking into their dirty laundry. Falkirk, the Co-op and Paul Flowers, all things Ed Miliband doesn't want you to talk about. By calling it a smear he hopes to discredit the information and weaken the story. Even his favourite attack dog, Owen Jones, is out talking about Tory smears and gutter politics.

That’s right, the party of Campbell and McBride complaining of gutter politics, they have short memories at Labour HQ. But this isn't a smear at all, this is Ed trying to bully the press into dropping the story, hoping that Leverson era editors may be concerned with the power politicians are trying to impose over them.

The press must remain free, all politicians must have their dirty laundry aired in public. But most of all we must remember the lesson of the “RACIST” cries of the left. Just as back then, as they shout “SMEAR” now, they are hiding something they don’t want us to know.

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On your marks, get set......... Fuck Off Beaker!

You just aren't cool unless you have played Beaker races on twitter. It's a simple game yet carries intense competition bitter rivalries. But before that I should explain the rules.

It all started with a likeness. Ed Miliband, second in command of the Labour party behind Len McCluskey, has the look of Beaker, the startled scientist from the Muppet show. They sound alike as well, that irritating whine that bores into your brain making you want to shoot yourself, Beaker does it too.

Ed addresses the Labour party conference

The race started the moment @Ed_Miliband tweets and the winner has to comment first with the simple line "Fuck off Beaker". The sport has been dominated by one man, @Skip_Licker, and he shows no signs of releasing his crown. Just this week he bagged 4 in a row

@Ed_Miliband fuck off beaker
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) November 21, 2013

@Ed_Miliband fuck off again beaker
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) November 21, 2013

@Ed_Miliband fuck off beaker!
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) November 21, 2013

@Ed_Miliband no really. Fuck off beaker.
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) November 21, 2013

@WollMcHoebag Is the great pretender to the crown, bagging a few wins along the way. More often than not though he ends up feeling like this.

FUCK YOU SKIP!
— Will (@WillMcHoebag) November 21, 2013

Second again, for fuck sake!! :(
— Will (@WillMcHoebag) November 21, 2013

I want you all to challenge Skip's dominance in this mightiest of events because, to be honest, Skip's a twat. Like Vettel he is lucky, not brilliant, and I want to see him lose! However I see this as a growing sport and have some suggestions on how to extend the franchise.

Ball bagging - Whenever @edballsmp tweets reply with his most famous tweet content in return, simply "Ed Balls".

Flabbott baiting - Whenever @HackneyAbbott tweets reply first with "Would you like chips with that?"

And finally, Jonesing - When @OwenJones84 tweets say what you like, you're probably blocked. 

Got any good game suggestions? Put the details in the comments and lets have a laugh.

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The BBC is afraid of BBC's

Bias at the BBC, who would have thought it eh? While the left get their panties in a bunch whenever one of them is asked so much as a mildly robust question  they choose to ignore the constant anti Tory stance taken often in a subtle way, sometimes not. Yesterday produced a doozey.

The ever brilliant Guido Fawkes team uncovered a beauty on Jack Dromey’s (Mr Harriet Harman for those who don’t know) twitter account. I suggest reading the full article for details but in essence he favourite tweets about gay men with big black cocks on two separate occasions, not likely to both be harmless mistakes. Or at least finding the tweets weren’t a mistake, clicking the star icon most definitely was.

Why is this newsworthy? Well he is a shadow minister, all be it low ranking but his partner is a high profile member of the Labour front bench. Is he in the closet, either as gay or bi? Was it just an error and how much does Harriet know? Frankly I don’t care, however the next bit does.

Lefty types were scrambling for a way to retaliate and they found a gem, or at least they thought so. “David Cameron follows an escort agency on twitter” they squealed with glee, who cares about details, peddle a headline, nobody will read it. Brilliant except for one thing, it wasn’t DC’s account, like I said, details. It was in fact @Number10Gov who was following the naughty ladies in question.

The official story is that back when Gordon Brown was in power an auto follow feature was in place and picked it up. So a simple error, definitely nothing to do with David Cameron or even Gordon Brown. But what will the BBC do?

Why run a piece with the headline David Cameron’s Twitter AccountFollowed ‘High Class Escorts’ and a misleading image. Whatever the content below many people won’t get the difference between the UK PM’s account, whoever that may be, and DC’s personal one.

Carefully done to make you think it is DC himself

Yet what of the Jack Dromey story? Surely they ran it, seen as the DC story was worth reporting. It is currently 21:45 on Wednesday the 20^th of November and guess what, not a big black sausage to be found on the BBC website.

Maybe the BBC were worried about having a story full of BBC’s on the BBC website. Maybe the BBC can get BBCDP to cover BBCgate at lunchtime.

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Long live sexism!

So the Germans as bowing to the whim of feminazis by preparing to vote in a 30% quota on supervisory boards of listed companies. Yes, as ever, the militant feminists are obsessed with inequality in luxury roles. I mean you never hear them moan that there aren't many female mechanics or street sweepers. Us men are welcome to those jobs it seems.

To warn you Germany, and if anyone thinks this should be done here this is what will happen.

Women on boards will be treated like pets, amusing little creatures that are there because they have to be to make the office feel right and the men have to make sure they don't poo on the carpet or damage anything important. This goes for all women on boards, even the ones now who have earned their place and the men will make all the important decisions over a pint while the ladies get their nails done.

If a company chooses to involve the ladies in the business then many will suffer as seats are filled by people not deserving of their position. Leaving someone not capable in charge of a serious department will be disaster. Look at how badly some of Labour's all female shortlist MP's perform for an idea of the effect.

Worst of all you actually damage the progression of women in the workplace. Other board members, subordinates and anyone looking at their CV will wonder if they deserve their job or just won the wimmin quota jackpot. Most damaged of course are those deserving of their place because they will get tarred with the same brush.

Remember Thatcher, she didn't need an all women list or quotas to succeed. She should be the example for feminists. Suck it up and work hard, see what you can achieve.

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I am a heartless swine, according to Facebook

I am obviously a heartless bastard, I never share anything on Facebook to show my support. I hate the armed forces, want everyone in the Philippines to dies of starvation, and cancer, oh I lover cancer, cancer for everyone! Especially those kids with tubes in their nose, stuck in wheelchairs, fuck you kid, fuck you!

Of course none of this is true but going by what I like and share on Facebook you may think so. But what really happens is I refuse to be guilt tripped into anything, least of all something on social media. It winds me up something chronic to think that someone is going "you heartless bastard, you didn't share, don't you want to cure cancer?". If you keep posting this shit then maybe I will start rooting for cancer. 

Why do people feel the need to do it? It isn't helping at all so what is the point? Only one reason I can think of, to show just how much they care about everyone and everything. You know the type, when a celebrity dies, or a high profile murder is committed, or there is a disaster somewhere in the world these people are straight there with "Thinking of all those poor people in the Philippines, stay safe". I have news for you, they aren't, and if you want to help give some money or time to the aid effort, not  a lot else matters. And if you do give some money or time keep it to yourself, do something kind for that reason alone, not to show how caring you are.

Sadly the Christmas related posts are coming. "Share to show you support our troops who can't come home for Christmas", "RT if you want this little girl to see another Christmas" and so on. No, not a chance. The only way to make this horror stop is to ignore every post of this type, I will fight the good fight, are you with me?

Now follow me on twitter and share this blog or the dog dies! Follow @RantyPantz_

Welcome to Ranty Pantz

I am truly fed up with all the sanitised bollocks that gets peddled these days. Online and off we all seem to have to pander to an over sensitive punch of wet behind the ear halfwits who take offense at everything. Well not here.

I have decided to have a very public moan about anything and everything. Very little of my posts will be well structured thought presenting a carefully laid out position (although it will happen sometimes, by accident). It will mostly be the enraged babble of a man fed up with being told what is acceptable in how I think, speak and live.

So you know roughly what direction my anger may take here are a few quick opinions

1. Ed Miliband is a prick. Worse than that if you look closely you can see Len McCluskey’s hand up his arse making him speak.
2. Barack Obama has one feature that has made him successful, he is black, well not black as he has one white and one black parent but you know what I mean.
3. Fuck the EU
4. If you think your country had such a great system then piss off home.
5. DEATH TO BADGERS!
6. Yes to page three, but ladies please, use my garden as a location, for free. I’m a nice guy like that.
7. Bacon has life giving properties, if you don’t like bacon you may already be dead.

Got it? Good, then I hope you enjoy, if not, do one!

Ranty Pantz

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