An open letter to my son

An open letter in the Guardian went viral recently with people mostly shocked at the self centred, bordering on narcissistic, attitude of the author. It would be easy to tear in to her, many have already so I'm not doing that. Instead I thought about what I want to say to my son who, at 4 years old, wouldn't fully understand.

Dear Thomas,

I know this year has been confusing with Daddy having to move somewhere else but I want you  to know how proud I am of you. You've started school with more enthusiasm than I ever remember having. Being so young in the year (30th of August baby) I was impressed there was no tears at all. However on your second day to run up the stairs and in without a goodbye hug was a shock, seems Mummy and Daddy were more emotional than you.

I remember holding you just after you were born and feeding your your first bottle. It is a moment that will stay with me forever, you were early and so small but perfect. Unfortunately Daddy got ill and missed a lot of the special moments in that first year but you did sit up for the first time in front of me, thank you for that, I treasure memories like that more than you will realise.

You gave us a scare though. The December after you were born you got bronchitis and you weren't able to clear your throat one night. Luckily Daddy gave you a bog enough slap on the back that it cleared you out but seeing your little lips turn blue scared me more than I can describe.

What's amazed me is how well you take to everything that is new. From moving to your big boy bed and when you needed glasses you have done it all with little fuss. In fact you do it with such excitement you make even something difficult enjoyable.

I know Daddy doesn't always stay patient with you but you are a good boy, if a little cheeky! But being a parent means you take the rough with the smooth and you have had your moments. But the tantrums and tears don't happen often, hopefully me and your Mum are doing something right.

All I want for you in life is to be happy and I will do all I can to make that happen. Just know that even though I can't always be there that I will always love you and nothing in my life is more important.

All my love

Dad

What could be worse than the Maria Miller scandal?

So Maria Miller has finally stepped down/been sacked/whatever over he expenses claims. Now while the committee cleared her something stank about it all. The Leveson mentions, the PPC car crash actions and her lack of cooperation with the investigation. However something far more damaging has happened. Michael Fabricant has been sacked as the party vice chairman.

Most political tweeters know who Fabbers is. Liked by more "enemies" than any other MP on twitter he actually engages with people. Replying to many tweets and enjoying more than his fair share of twanks. Plus his constantly changing array of Fabatars are a wonder to behold. Most of all people respect him for his honest opinion, regardless of the party line Fabbers speaks his mind.

Now, according to the man himself he was sacked for his thoughts on Maria Miller (obviously) and his stance on HS2.

Been asked to resign as Vice Chairman, refused, so sacked over HS2 and my views on a recent Cabinet Minister. Still available 4 speeches etc
— Michael Fabricant (@Mike_Fabricant) April 9, 2014

Just in case he deletes it: "Been asked to resign as Vice Chairman, refused, so sacked over HS2 and my views on a recent Cabinet Minister. Still available 4 speeches etc"

Let's cover these issues separately. Maria Miller stepping down was big news, with as much anger about her attitude as her expenses. I have a feeling she was nudged by the top brass to make that decision, either way Fabbers was right when he said "about time". 

But perhaps the bigger issue was HS2. This is a thorny issue for the government, Labour are playing games over it and there will be a back bench rebellion, a loss is on the cards. With his public opposition to it Fabbers upset the leadership.

He has been speaking to people about their concerns and making proposals to amend the route but they have fallen on deaf ears. So in his usual open and honest way he said he was left woth "no choice" but to vote against it. 

So Mr Cameron what kind of party do you want? Would you like more open and honest people like Fabbers? Or do you want to become like ukip, where deviation from the dear leader Farage must be punished?

I know one thing, until Michael Fabricant gets a senior position in the party or government then the Tories have lost my vote. Politics needs more open, honest and charming people like him. 

Supporting someone unpopular is one thing, sacking someone people like is beyond stupid.

The SNP don't want independence

Nicola Sturgeon was at her blustering best on Daily Politics and refusing to answer questions and also making veiled threats that an independent Scotland wouldn't take it's share of the national debt unless they get the currency union with Sterling. Well as with all SNP interviews she was made to look like a total fool by Andrew Neil.

David Cameron played a blinder when he refused the "devo max" option on the vote, forcing the straight yes or no question. With every passing week the SNP appear like teenagers threatening to leave home. You might think they are gone but they seem to eat your food, drink your drink and come to you whenever anything goes wrong.

If you want independence then you must be independent, that's it, no ifs or buts. Using Sterling with the B of E as lender of last resort is not independent. Equally the rest of the UK population might have something to say about that, after all the Euro currency union has worked so well. Surely we all get a vote on such an arrangement, or do the SNP think it right to dictate to England and Wales? Too much hard earned money flows north of the border as it is, if they want independence then I don't want my pennies insuring a socialist nutters spending.

But this whole "bullying" line peddled by the SNP is political. Salmond's rhetoric has always been about English people dictating from an English parliament, stirring up what amounts to racism in the search of votes. That's why he wants to debate David Cameron. Cameron would tear him to shreds in any intellectual debate but every answer would be met with a rabble rousing response. 

"Of course I want independence Geppetto"

I'm actually half Scottish and very proud of that fact. The behavior of some of the yes campaign is disgusting, when, like me, you have always identified yourself as a proud Brit it's actually painful to start supporting the campaign for them to leave the UK. But I do, not like the SNP do but because I feel a bit "you want it, fine, have it, good luck". Then watch as in 20 to 30 years there economy is wrecked and we have to shore up the border because of economic migrants (in my story we are no longer in the EU).

But I don't think the SNP want it. They would much rather keep the hated English money pouring in so they can afford all the free NHS prescriptions and tuition fees they like without having to worry about the financial consequences.

On performances like yesterday's though I fear we are stuck with them,

Well flood me!

It's all been happening while I have been away.  Sorry for the lack of blogs, I shall explain at some point but in short I have been having a tough time and found myself unable to write or care about anything. But I am back, let us have some fun.

The big news at the moment is the floods, I wouldn't worry, the people who tell you that the world will boil said we would have an arctic winter. It will arrive soon I am sure and we can all go skating in the west country.

There has been some point scoring and mud slinging but i wanted to make some points of my own about some of the contentious issues.

David Cameron's flood visits

Of course he should go, he is the PM after all and has a significant role in the response to these floods. I must also commend him on the silencing of Eric Pickles. Now is not the time for the blame game, now is the time for supporting hard hit areas in the best way possible. A review of who/what policy caused the problem can come when everyone is back in their homes.

Ed Miliband's flood visit

Pointless, totally pointless, and good on Alok Sharma for calling him out on it.

http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/reading-west-mp-alok-sharma-6694413

If, as Ed claims, he wants to "work together" why not arrange a meeting with Alok in advance? Surely through the network of Labour party activists & trade union links they could summon up some volunteers to get their hands dirty and help. The same applies to all politicians, unless your actual ministerial job means you need to do something then don't pitch up for a photo op without doing something to help.

Wellies & waterproofs

The fact that Nigel Farage had a dirty set of waders on doesn't make him a "man of the people", christ I don't own a pair of wellies (you try finding a decent, affordable pair in size 14), does that make me out of touch with the common man? As I understand it Farage likes to go fishing, waders explained.

Blame

The people affected are blaming the environment agency, the current government or the previous one and they all have a differing case to answer for. But nobody seems to blame the rainfall, the worst in over 100 years. I suspect that even with perfect management of the rivers and flood defences this would have been a flood year.

If you build on a flood plain expect floods from time to time. However the warning signs have been in place with previous floods, the environment agency, which rated it's flood preparation as excellent, has some questions to answer here.

Good luck to all effected by the floods.

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Rufus Hound wants you to die in a pool of your own piss

The NHS was in absolute crisis when the coalition came to power. Not that you could talk about it though, Labour had made the NHS a religion, to say anything negative, regardless of its failings, would an act of blasphemy. Mid Staffs was the result of this perfect storm of an above critique monopoly, whistle blowers scared to come out, a government (Labour) hushing up bad news for political reasons and no accountability.

Rufus Hound thinks this is how the NHS should be run, an unaccountable monopoly where it doesn't matter what service people get because they can't afford anything else. What he wants, unless you're rich, you know the kind of person who's family could afford to privately educate their children, if that you die of dehydration in a bed, laying in your own excrement and urine, as long as it's a bed that is untouched by the private sector.

Thing is Rufus thinks that Mid Staffs was caused by a few bad eggs, not a systematic failure of the structure in place.

Of course some of them screw up from time to time – sometimes with tragic results – but that’s because they’re human beings. Fallible human beings. And if you employ over a million of them, (as the NHS does), mistakes will be made. 

He has also proved his lefty credentials by quoting a "fact" without supporting evidence to link it up. Actually it screams of a lift from a "Dr" Eoin Clarke list that he later had to apologise for. 

It’s also the most cost effective health care system in the world. For every pound spent on the NHS, it returns a value of five times that to the economy.

Oh lets not forget the classic "It’s ours, not theirs" comment. Well what about those that support the NHS reforms? I earn less than the national average, hardly a member of the evil rich and I fully support it. 

Private companies working within the NHS can do brilliant things and actually increase the services available to us. I had an operation in 2012 and part of the process was an MRI scan that a private company did. They had fitted out an HGV with the scanner and equipment. Parking up at the hospital they see all the minor cases, leaving the hospital scanner for more complex issues, meaning I got seen much sooner. 

Mid Staffs, Hound thinks this is acceptable 

An element of competition can help as well, monopolies don't have to worry about how well they provide a service, not like you have any other choice. Remember the stories of how long it took to get a phone line before it was privatised? Do you want that service in healthcare?

Ultimately I think people will realise that it doesn't matter how universal health care is delivered, as long as it is. But imagine if Rufus was to get what he wanted. At least when his wife died of MRSA from a routine bunion operation he could take comfort in the fact it was in a fully public NHS.

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P.S. Worth noting that he just happens to be getting big publicity at the exact same time he needs to sell tickets to a show he is in. A coincidence I am sure.

Lenin quotes and Labour

There's a brilliant article on Backbencher this morning with a selection of Lenin's most chilling quotes. We all know the left love this man, he's a socialist hero.

The quotes make for scary reading on their own but then I noticed something in them. Labour's policies and actions since 1997 seem to match up with some of the quotes.

“Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.”

Ever notice how so many of the young that were educated under Labour are socialist wannabes? Since then the unions have been trying to get propaganda into schools. You might suggest that the unions aren't Labour, under Ed Miliband they most definitely are.

“We can and must write in a language which sows among the masses hate, revulsion, and scorn towards those who disagree with us.”

The left don't just disagree with the right, they froth at the mouth in rage at our mere presence. We don't have different ideologies, we are evil.

“The bourgeoisie is many times stronger than we. To give it the weapon of freedom of the press is to ease the enemy’s cause, to help the class enemy. We do not desire to end in suicide so we will not do this.”

Their conduct over Leverson showed how much they hate a free press.

“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”

WMD's anyone. Also the lies about immigration they so often told.

“The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.”

Bankers taxes, mansion tax (Lib Dem idea supported by Labour), council tax increases the list goes on.

“One man with a gun can control 100 without one.”

Handgun ban.

“There are no morals in politics; there is only expedience. A scoundrel may be of use because he is a scoundrel.”

Alastair Campbell, Damian McBride, Tom Watson, Len McKluskey, Ed Balls. I could go on but you get the idea.

“It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully rationed.”

Labour gradually eroded our privacy while in power through several new laws.

“He who now talks about the “freedom of the press” goes backward, and halts our headlong course towards socialism.”

Leverson again.

“Treat the Jews and urban inhabitants in the Ukraine with an iron rod, transferring them to the front, not letting them into government agencies (except in an insignificant percentages, in particularly exceptional circumstances).”

To put this another way, how many right wingers work in the public sector? Those who do are almost scared to admit their political leanings.

“We shall not bind ourselves by treaties. We shall not allow ourselves to be entangled by treaties.”

For treaty read manifesto. Labour's last big promise was a say on the EU constitution, they didn't give us it.

“It is necessary -  secretly and urgently to prepare the terror.”

Constant terror alerts, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, the list goes on. Keep them scared to keep them under control.

Scary stuff isn't it. Lets hope they don't get in again.

Lord Rennard, a victim of mob rule

I may be alone in this but I am sat here feeling sorry for Lord Rennard. What he has been accused of is indeed disgusting but as it stands they are merely accusations, nothing more. But that doesn't matter in cases such as this and given the clusterfuck that was the Sally Bercow and the late Lord McAlpine twitter scandal you think people would learn.

But no, people's minds are made up it seems and Lord Rennard was yesterday suspended from his party. This is a disturbing development to me, showing that mob justice can claim someone's head. Lets look over some core facts.

• The police did not even find enough evidence to pass on a file to the CPS
• The internal party investigation didn't find him guilty
• Yesterday he was suspended for not apologising for events that the police and the party didn't take action over or didn't believe happened

Seems stupid doesn't it, imagine it was you and your job. Accused of sexual harassment, police say there isn't enough evidence and HR clear you as well yet pressure from the marketing department means you get fired. You would be fuming wouldn't you, well, that's why Rennard is angry and may sue. Good for him.

For all the people who say "there's no smoke without fire" need to grow up. We live in a society that judges people by "innocent until proven guilty", it's how you would want to be judged, you should apply that to everyone else. At this moment in time Rennard is an innocent man.

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Ukip didn't care about his views before, why now?

David Silvester is a loon, so Ukip perhaps his natural political choice. I don't actually think he is a looney for his opinion that same sex marriage is wrong, or even that God is seeking vengeance in some way for them. The most stupid thing he did was to make such opinions public, you're a politician David, what were you thinking?

You are perfectly entitled to believe what you like but seriously, given your position you should realise what isn't acceptable to the general public. Still this shows up a problem for Ukip and their "recruiting" policy. One of the kippers favourite statistics is how many Tory Councillors have defected to them. Farage practically creams his pants whenever he mentions such a number, well, one of this number bit him in the arse in spectacular fashion. The warnings were there though.

"I wrote to David Cameron in April 2012 to warn him that disasters would accompany the passage of his same-sex marriage bill."

So how much did Ukip know of this letter? Did they even ask why he defected or is it Ukip policy to roll out the welcome mat to anyone who wants to switch teams regardless of why. Well a cursory visit to Google would have revealed the answer, Pink News had a copy.

They new at the time this is what he believed in yet happily took him in and essentially the only thing that's changed is that those thoughts are now well publicised. Seems a bit disingenuous of them to suspend him now, almost as if publicity comes before morals in Ukip, who would have thunk it.

Ukip, most definitely not the grumpy old man's party

As a result I am not without sympathy for David, given they took him in knowing full well his thoughts he must be shocked to get suspended for those exact same opinions. But most of all, given the many other kippers with, lets say, sketchy views that seem to slip past the party checks how can you trust the Ukip candidate you vote for?

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PMQ's Bingo!

Ok, this may seem like a lazy blog but I assure you I have spent ages on this. Le Creuset Fiend can verify as I pestered him for help near the end. Funny how the last few bits you need are the toughest, thanks pal.

So the result of all this hard work, why it's PMQ's bingo of course. Although for those of a James Turner Street disposition you can use the cards as a drinking game. The PDF document below contains 30 randomly generated layouts of 25 squares from a list of 35 phrases, actions or things to spot during a round of PMQ's. It's become a parody of itself so we should at least have some fun.

Download your copy of PMQ's bingo here

It's in Google drive so will see it loaded and can then download should you wish (Arrow at the top left). The full list of possible squares is below along with a sample card image. Enjoy your games everyone, let me know how you do.

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Tax cut for millionaires
Bankers
Union pay masters
middle class
EU Referendum
Piece of paper passed to front bench (either side)
MP asks about an actual local issue
Out of touch
Recovery for the few/rich
Bercow butts in
Banker’s bonus
Cameron tells a bad joke
Spot a pink tie in the chamber
MP asks if the PM agrees
Weak (when aimed at Ed M)
Posh
Cameron doesn't answer a question
Hardworking people
Cuts
MP stops mid Q for quiet & doesn't get it
Cost of living crisis
Ed balls does a hand gesture & gets mocked
Any reference to private education
Ed Mili says "Mr Speaker" 3X before comment
Immigration good
Ed tells a bad joke
Speaker says "Order" 3x in a row
Bercow cuts off PM during response to a question
Food banks
Not standing up to unions
Badly read planted question
Immigration bad
A social media account is mentioned
One Nation
Recovery

Boro Taxis, I salute you

Diversity and equality laws are a tricky thing for some businesses to navigate. Sometimes, however hard you may try, some things just aren't practical for people of a certain disability, blind airline pilots for example. And sometimes the only way to accommodate a disability  is expensive and may end up costing more for the disabled person. Just a fact of life sadly, I have size 14 feet and have to get them online (mostly), they cost more than shop brought shes for smaller sizes, I can deal with it or get cold feet.

Teesside's biggest taxi company, Boro Taxis, has announced they will not take disabled people anymore. Now before you froth at the mouth it isn't that simple. This isn't actually about disabled people as such, in fact the very laws designed to protect them, and those enforcing, have let them down badly.

When you order a taxi you order a taxi, the vehicle you travel in. Say you order a car, for one or for 4 you pay the same. If you order a mini bus you pay the mini bus rate, again this matters not how many people you put in it. Now a wheelchair needing a mini bus pays the mini bus rate for single occupancy. The larger vehicle costs considerably more to run so unless they do the driver will lose out.

Well apparently this is discrimination, the taxi company has been told it is breaking the law to charge the mini bus rate for using the mini bus. The council say this is overcharging for disabled passengers so the company may lose it's license, aside from any legal threat. Faced with the option of committing a crime or losing money they have decided to withdraw the service.

The company admits that refusing them is "morally totally wrong" but it isn't worth losing money over, and they are right. If the council want to put on cheap transport for disabled people then they should do it, not bully a private company into doing it for them at a loss.

Kudos for them for standing up for their rights.

UPDATE: They have capitulated, that old friend of the right on left, the threatened boycott, has made them throw in the towel. It isn't fair to force a business to lose money in this way, although I suspect something craftier may be in action. I mean what if every time a wheelchair user phones to book there are no mini buses available. Would be shockingly bad luck that.

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The art of trolling

The word "Troll" has been been thrown around by the media and the easily offended as the term for someone who trows abuse at someone else. Bollocks, abusers are abusers, end of. A troll is someone who makes others look stupid, no abuse required at all. The most effective method seems to be the parody/spoof account. The aim is to make people think it is real with an outrageous statement at then let the abuse come in from people that think you are real. It's been a vintage weekend for three such twitter accounts.

@IDS_MP

A legend of the game who had a slow Saturday but came back strong on Sunday.

Israel has announce 15,000 Palestinians are to be relocated to make way for Ariel Sharon's burial plot.
— Iain Duncan Smith MP (@IDS_MP) January 12, 2014

The man pulling the IDS strings noticed a RT, seems he was trying to create an international incident.

I may be starting a war. Lol pic.twitter.com/sYf5Z6O2uJ
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) January 12, 2014

But the IDS account is now so masterful and it's victims so stupid anything he posts gets treated as if he were real.

Radical Cleric @anjemchoudary is upset with this picture. So please do not retweet it. Thank you pic.twitter.com/OyxSEwssU1
— Iain Duncan Smith MP (@IDS_MP) January 12, 2014

If would take someone extra special to fall for that wouldn't it.

@IDS_MP @anjemchoudary while I oppose his views in the strongest possible terms, I do expect better behaviour from a cabinet minister #fail
— sara griffin (@dubac0) January 12, 2014

@IDS_MP @anjemchoudary this is what passes for intelligent political debate these days is it? Career politicians you've gotta love 'em
— Ian Baskerville (@conansdog) January 12, 2014

 Another political one how with @HonestChuka

It's hard to imagine someone pretending to be Chuka could be as much of a git as the real one, but he tries his best.

@HonestChuka typical labour leeching. Can't you come up with something new. You people think the nation are thick. Grow up Chuka
— Phil howe (@how4now) January 11, 2014

@HonestChuka if you want votes try condeming gun crime. Your support of this is an abhorrence.
— Patch (@Patchbug) January 11, 2014

Some of the best moments are when the penny drops and people realise what they have done.

@HonestChuka @NotSoBigBrother @skorzeny_lives it must be the ex squaddie in me lol thanks guy's "I'm a cunt"
— Can of Worms (@canofworms2013) January 11, 2014

@bunnyrabble @HonestChuka Oh damn. I should have read back further than his last two tweets.
— Lenin Dunham (@MrDuttonPeabody) January 12, 2014

Finally a recent one made to take advantage of recent events, @DugganTrust

 Given the emotions around this case catching the little idiots was perhaps a bit easy, add in the vigil and it was open season on prats.

@DugganTrust that my friends is tantamount to inciting a riot. Very irresponsible.
— Paul Ward (@WardHot) January 11, 2014

 Some people thought it was real and supported it.

I understand & appreciate the work that the @DugganTrust are doing, but do they really have to use an avatar of him making a 'pistol hand' ?
— John O'Connell (@jdpoc) January 11, 2014

Even hooking that well know racist Lee Jasper.

I just won twitter @Skip_Licker pic.twitter.com/hqWeA99IIS
— The Duggan Trust (@DugganTrust) January 11, 2014

So the next time someone uses "Troll" as an insult remember this and correct them. Oh and if you are a evil bugger then RT or play along with these accounts and watch as they attract morons like moths to a fuckwit flame.

I can only put a few on here so look at the accounts, their favourites and replies, it's worth it.

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Mark Duggan got what he deserved

The family and friends of Mark Duggan, all to predictably, kicked off yesterday at the lawful killing verdict. They were all showing their commitment to justice by going after the coroner in the court and hurling abuse at the jury. They should have all been arrested for contempt of court, spineless rule of law isn't going to improve relations at all.

It is interesting to note that the family don't even believe he had a gun, at all. Which is unfortunate for  Kevin Hutchinson-Foster who was found guilty of supplying the gun. If all these people loved him so much while bringing him up perhaps he wouldn't have turned into the trash he was. Worse than that is the race and victim cards being played. Here's a tip, avoid trouble with the police by not breaking the law.
What is most apparent to me is the details not released because there is still an investigation ongoing. Armed police officers tend not to shoot first and ask questions later. So here is a situation where he has just collected a gun and they have followed him. If they didn't see him dispose of it they will treat the situation as if he had it on him. The big question is what instructions did the police give and did he obey them?

Ah yes, the international make a gun gesture of peace

If Duggan decided to give the police some attitude because he had tossed the gun, instead of doing exactly as he was told, then it explains why he was shot. If the armed police think you have a gun and you don't do what is expected they have a duty to protect themselves and the public.

Mark Duggan was to blame for his death. If he hadn't decided to get the gun he would be alive today and think for a moment, he brought a gun, why? The world is a better place without people like him.

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Should we do a tribute to the stupid?

Harry Swordy (real name not a porn star) was a victim of the weather conditions on new years day, swept to his untimely death. There has even been a campaign to rename the storm in his memory. Which would be a noble thing to do if he died saving the life of a child, or an elderly person, well anyone for that matter. No Harry died because he was an idiot.

#StormHarry: Twitter Campaign Launched In Tribute To Man Drowned In New Years Eve Tragedy http://t.co/PD4sKqPPQS
— HuffPost UK (@HuffPostUK) January 7, 2014

It sounds like Harry was a nice guy, even accounting for the fact that everyone is a hero in death thing. I lost a mate who was described as a "lovable rogue" when I was younger. In all honestly he was a prat and he died because he was on a motorbike whilst high. But Harry did a lot of good and is no doubt a sad loss to those who knew him.

However this was no freak accident, if Harry had engaged even a tiny piece of his brain he would be alive today. You see he was swept out to sea by 15ft waves as he, and others, waded into the swell in the early hours of the morning. Those who managed to get back to shore sounded the alarm and help was sent.

HM Coastguard Falmouth carried out a search until a body was found on a nearby beach the next day. I salute the crews who risked their lives trying to find him but should they should never have been called into action. The storms were no secret yet this motley crew all thought wading into the sea would be a good idea. I wonder if it was drunken stupidity, better that than just being that silly.

Fancy a swim?

If it were up to me then Harry's estate would be given a bill for the search and rescue attempt. The coastguard is a stretched service as it is so people who go and do stupid things like this should be billed regardless of the outcome. 

Unless they want the name change to highlight the stupidity of going into the sea when all warnings have been to stay away we shouldn't even entertain it. Meanwhile I shall nominate him for a Darwin award, he deserves that one.

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Ukip, I have a theory

Ukip's "Dear Leader" was hammering away on twitter with the usual, over used, phrases yesterday. My favourite one being that there is no difference between Labour and the Tories. Get yourself down to Specsavers Nigel, or drink less because there are plenty, unless you just don't want there to be. The big one, as far as Ukip's main aim is concerned is that the Tories will give us a vote on the EU, Labour wont.

The kippers reacted quickly when Cameron pledged the vote on membership in 2017 if the Tories win the next election, obviously fearing that removing their main aim would be disaster for them. What they may fear most is that the UK would prefer to remain in the EU if it was about free trade and not the vast bureaucratic superstate it is becoming. In short in the EU, not controlled by it. But why does his holiness Farage seem so angered by the Tory pledge? I have some theories.

Doesn't really want out

For the very cynical among you this is one thought that I personally don't believe but can see why people do. In 2009 he received 2 million pounds on top of his salary which is over £60k. He barely turns up, much like his party colleagues, and when he was on the fisheries committee he didn't show up at all in 2011. He gets all the public attention his ego requires while pocketing a big salary and telling us all how horrible it is.

Hates David Cameron

Farage has a massive ego, dissent must not be tolerated within Ukip. Some high profile (and others less so) party removals in 2013 made that clear. So how does he feel about the leader of the Tories commenting on him and his party? Not well at all it turns out. In a rather pathetic attempt to get Cameron ousted he said he would be able do do a deal with Boris Johnson or Michael Gove but not him. He is less interested in giving the UK a choice on the EU than he is over a pissing contest, grow up!

Wants the glory

Say the Tories win in 2015, then Cameron gets all the powers back from the EU he wants and the vote happens. Whatever the result Farage and Ukip will not get the credit for delivering it. Sure they will crow all they like but unless he has a seat in the house Farage can't ride in on his steed and proclaim it was Ukip wot won it. That of course just wouldn't do.

Notice how the running theme is the mighty ego of Nigel Farage, not a shock is it.

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The Ranty Pantz Awards 2013

Everyone is doing them so why not me. before I break for Christmas I thought I would pay homage to the great and good of politics, twitter and whoever else I feel like. So lets find out who wins a Pantzy.

Troll of the year

To clarify to all you idiots out there a troll isn't someone who sends abuse. A proper troll makes people look stupid without using any abuse at all. Honourable mentions to Old Holborn, who the Daily Mail called "one of Britain's vilest internet trolls" and the Iain Duncan Smith MP parody twitter account who hooks more morons per tweet than anyone else I know.

Heeeeeey macarena!

But this years winner trolled one of the worlds most powerful men, a global icon (all be it deceased), a nation, a half full stadium and millions watching on television. Yes it's Thamsanqa Jantjie, he of the crazy hands sign language school. The excuses since are gold, we should all up our game to match his effort.

The Jack Dromey award for twitter proficiency

This award goes to the person most messing up their use of twitter and humiliating themselves. The @Number10gov was found to be following escorts, Jack Dromey himself appears to like big black male poultry. Even Sally Bercow misses out for her "oops" tweet because the winner displayed stupidity beyond all reasonable measure.  

Not by a long shot. Epicurious are a New York based food website and decided to use the Boston marathon bombing to sell some scones! If there was a "face-palm moment of the year" they would double up their total.

Scones mend broken bones

Ed Balls moment of the year

Good old Ed Balls, he keeps the good times coming for those who love to mock him. If spitting image were still around his puppet would probably just act the same. He is a man of many hand gestures and many many cock ups. However his best (for us anyway) moments came at the end of this year. Just this week in PMQ's David Cameron pulled off a funny, no really it was very good. Quipping at Ed Miliband after Ball revealed a new dance move he said.

HE'S GONNA BLOW!

‘Ah! We’ve got a new hand gesture from the Shadow Chancellor! I’d have thought after today’s briefing in the papers the hand gesture from the Shadow Chancellor would be ‘bye bye’! You don’t need it to be Christmas to know you’re sitting next to a turkey.’

But the winner came in the autumn statement when he got so flustered by the good economic news and heckling, that he likes to dish out so much, he lost the plot. A picture paints a thousand words.

The Penny Red award for most pathetic femenazi

Big call this one, big big call with so many candidates. I have judged it on use of rather sad hashtags, hypocrisy and victim mentality. An honorable mention to Stella Creasy who hits home on hashtags but fails to win thanks to her campaigning on FGM. FGM isn't a feminist issue, it's barbaric but not many seem interested. Like the winner for example.

Caroline Criado-Perez campaigned to have a woman on a banknote, forgetting that there is a woman on every banknote printed in the UK as it is. She received death threats (I condemn them, but really, men  on twitter get them every day, block and move on like they do) and because of this anyone, I mean anyone, who disagrees with her is labelled as some kind of woman hating scum. I would have more respect if she wanted to tackle serious issues like FGM.

Independent non commercial blog of the year

Just to clarify this rules out anyone with Google ads or such like running and is judged purely by how much I enjoy them. I saw a tweet once that said "When @Skip_Licker stops being a cunt he writes some beautiful stuff" (can't remember exactly but the gist is the same). His blog Words by me is often very moving and draws on his past as a soldier in the British forces. Another interesting one is by @rhmgroo who on Old School Bulgaria is documenting his journey to emigrate. Full of tips and troubles it is a must for anyone thinking of moving overseas to start a new life. He also has the finest beard on twitter.

But I am a huge fan of the winner and have been for a while, in fact it was his blog that inspired me to start my own. @Battsby is, quite simply, a legend. As at ease with delicate, poetic prose as he is at insightful analysis of social issues with just a hint of grumpy old bastard to be funny and not irritating. A well deserved Pantzy for When I'm King.

Putting the world to rights

Best tweeting MP of the year

Our last award goes to the MP making best use of twitter. William Hague is one of my favourites. It is of course a strictly business account with information about his role in the FCO and the usual "look at blah blah blah" tweets you see the inters send while the boss does something. However his Q & A sessions are fantastic, even being honest on overseas aid. Charlotte Leslie while not a prolific tweeter does so in a casual way, not overly preened by social media bandits. But there was a clear winner.

Michael Fabricant is by quite some margin my favourite tweeting MP. From his brilliant array of "fabatars" to making twanking cool he does what no other MP seems to be able to match, he makes us like him, even people who hate the Tory party have expressed fondness towards the man from Lich Vegas. I can't think of a better way to end the 2013 awards.

The latest Fabatar

Thank you for reading and congratulations to all the winners, you thoroughly deserve your Pantzy awards. I look forward to seeing you all again in the new year.

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Abbas Khan was a fool

Abbas Khan illegally entered Syria to go to a war zone and ended up being captured. He died this week and the family aren't happy. His brother, Shahnawaz Khan, claiming he was treated differently because he was a Muslim and that the Foreign Office could have done more. Uh, how about no. I wasn't alone in thinking this.

Avoid getting killed by the Syrian government by not going to Syria.
— Lord Skip Licker VC (@Skip_Licker) December 18, 2013

Whatever his reasons to going to Syria he did so individually, not as part of any organised humanitarian mission. He was on one of course but then he took off on his own. The government can't be responsible for every individual that goes into a war zone. When George Galloway makes sense something is wrong.

"We know what the crime was: he was captured on the battle field in Aleppo. He had no right to be there."

Why anyone thinks we can ride to their rescue when they do something stupid overseas is beyond me. The real problem here isn't that he was arrested and detained but the conditions of the Syrian jail. He was picked up in a war zone, the Syrian government probably thought he was fighting with the rebels, wouldn't you be suspicious as well? And do you really think a regime as corrupt as the Syrian one would release anyone easily?

Something about this whole story seems off to me. Whatever people think of our government we still have decent diplomatic links and I am sure the Foreign Office were doing what they could, his release was imminent after all. I suspect someone, somewhere knows something they aren't saying.

But even if we take the story of Mr Khan at face value he is still a moron of epic proportions and for his family to play the race card (Muslim aren't a race I know, don't get me started) is simply pathetic. He went to a war zone, people die, deal with it.

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From out of the Ashes

Well it's been a miserable few weeks to be an England cricket fan. It's one thing to lose, it's quite another to be obliterated in this fashion. The home series against the Aussies this year was won on key moments, when it mattered most someone from the England team stood up and performed. This time it has been the old enemy that has won the crucial moments.

But all is not lost, these dire moments can be good for a team. When a storm devastates a forest the best form of management is to clear the debris and let nature take it's course. Remove dead wood and give time for new trees to establish themselves. So here are my reasons to be cheerful.

1) Ben Stokes

What a class act this young man is. At only 22 he has a long career ahead of him and although it would be wrong to put too much pressure on him now the signs are good. He isn't a Flintoff style of all rounder, he is a batsman first, bowler second. The most well know of that type would be Jacques Kallis. Not a strike bowler by any means but an effective one. With him in the side there should be 4 other bowlers to share the load anyway.

If Stokes carries on improving England have more attacking options, making it easier to play a second spinner and still have 3 seamers in the side. 

Stokes hit a superb ton down under to outline his credentials

2) Goodbye KP?

This may be unthinkable to some but if the broom is to sweep clean then he must be put out to pasture, at least in the longer form of the game. It is clear that KP isn't a team player anymore, if he ever was in the first place. I refuse to believe that some of the shots he has played in certain situations were stupidity because he isn't a stupid man. More to the point he has previously played the sort of long and viscid innings needed, he seems to choose not to. KP the entertainer needs his image, nothing else matters.

You might get away with it in 50 and 20 over cricket but in test matches you need a team spirit, a togetherness that gives you that little extra. I don't believe he has it, time to say goodbye.

3) Were not actually this bad

You don't become a bad team overnight and this England team most certainly aren't this bad. Form is temporary, class is permanent and in Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad they have two of the classiest bowlers in world cricket. Broad is probably the only senior player who can hold his head high, or at least not be hopelessly embarrassed.

Captain Cook will find form again, he is too good not to. Remember this man is England's leading century scorer and he is only 28 years old. It has amazed me that Ian Bell is getting stick, he has been undone by good bowling mostly and after his summer exploits to suggest dropping him is madness.

Of course there are challenges. Matt Prior's form is probably the most worrying, the batting was almost excused while his glove-work was faultless. Now that isn't the case he is in danger, but again, I am not worried. Bairstow and Buttler are both around the squad and are the likely long term options for the role.

Some short term pain may be needed to make some changes but it will be worth it in the end. And chin up, as someone who grew up during the 90's you have no idea what depressing is if you missed that era.

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Give Jim Knight a job? You must be crazy!

Hospitality is a hard business to work in, I know first hand of the long and unsociable hours including weekends and holiday periods. Christmas day off should be considered a hard fought luxury that only happens very rarely and even if you have the most valid reason not something you should ever expect. One Christmas I was due to be off and it changed last minute, nature of the beast I am afraid. Can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen.

May I introduce you to Jim Knight, a chef who has a massive sense of entitlement. He wanted a weekend off in December and Christmas day off with his 7 and a half month old daughter. Now, this may seem like no big deal but have you ever worked in a pub in December?  It is madness, a real "make hay" situation and the smaller the team the harder it is.

Well he got sacked and decided to use the company twitter account to have a sissy fit.

Pretty disgusting behavior, I most definitely would never give this man a job. The Daily Mail ran a story on it where the landlord, Steve Potts, was clear and concise about what happened. He Jim was only hired in October and told he would be needed every Sunday, he then added;

'When Jim, as head chef, informed me that he would not be working on Christmas Day, and other Sundays in the near future, I was left with little choice but to end our arrangement.

'I had been quite clear with him when he started here that Sundays are our busiest days of the week, and that all our chefs have to work that day.'

So it seems Jim decided to throw his weight around. Maybe when he was interviewed he could have asked for Christmas day off to be with his daughter and they could have sorted something but less than three months into a job to start acting all billy big bollocks is just daft. As for the accusation of buying produce from ASDA not only is that down to the head chef but Mr Potts had this to say;

'Our suppliers are transparent: our meat is fresh, never frozen, and comes from Booker’s in High Wycombe and from a local farmer called Peter Vogt,'

'Certain staples of fish come from our nearest supermarket, which is Asda, but the implied suggestion that we are buying cheap meat and passing it off at a premium is, frankly, outrageous and untrue.'

I know who I believe, lets face it Jim has acted like a petulant child and Mr Potts with dignity, even naming a food source, something you can go and check up on. Clearly Jim you are in the wrong line of work, if you want weekend and Christmas off change career, I did for that very reason.

Alas someone has been stupid enough to give him another job, although I suspect it was for PR reasons and they started a Twitter account to announce his hiring. 

Well I would avoid the food from here like the plague. With Jim in the kitchen who knows what will happen, in fact someone else summed it up perfectly so I will let him have the last word.

@nby83 @welshboymick @TheShepherdsCro @chefjimknight I won't be going. He seems likely to put a pube in your pie if he doesn't like you.
— Le Chrimble Fiend (@LeCreusetFiend) December 16, 2013

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